Published in Little Treasures Magazine, Michelle van Dyk
“Give-it-a-go Kids”
Do you do too much for your preschoolers? Experts say the best way to raise independent kids is to step back and let them give things a try.
We all want to see our children learn new skills and become independent – but when your child is faced with life’s challenges does she give things a go, or simply give up?
Many toddlers are missing out because their parents are unwittingly doing too much for them – often because they’re in a rush to get out the door, or they think they’re being “super mum or dad” by helping as much as possible, say the experts.
The downside of being so hands-on is that children quickly learn an adult will always come to their aid and do the hard work for them.
Vanessa – a primary school teacher based at a high-decile school in Canterbury – says up to half her combined Year 3 and 4 class suffer what she calls “learned helplessness”. “They automatically put a lot of tasks in the ‘too-hard basket’ and have learned that if they sit and do nothing, or cry, then someone will come and do it for them,” she explains. “It comes down to parenting styles and often it’s the parents who have time to mollycoddle their children. If a child is not doing something fast enough or good enough, the parent will usually take over. Mum or Dad think they’re helping, but they’re actually doing the exact opposite in the long-run.” Christchurch-based child psychologist Michelle van Dyk agrees that parents who are over-protective or short on time can unknowingly thwart their child’s attempts to gain independence. “If the morning is a mad rush, children are not given the time to learn to do things such as dressing themselves, cleaning teeth, putting some of their clothes away.
If Mum takes over and does all things, the child learns that she doesn’t need to,” van Dyk says. “This can result in a child acting ‘helpless’ later on and refusing to try to accomplish tasks for themselves.”Such behaviour can also be a form of attention-seeking, she says.
“The whining and refusal to comply is not pleasant, but the reward for the child is that they get some attention and time with the parent. It is far more appropriate to have positive interactions that involve the parent taking time to prompt the child to attempt tasks, give them minimal assistance and then praise them for doing a good job.”Van Dyk says a child’s personality does play a fairly significant role in the amount of independence they show as a youngster. However, parents have the power to either encourage or discourage this trait.“Generally around 18 months to two and a half years most children are demonstrating a determination to do things their own way. They need to learn that the adult has to help and guide them but part of this is related to the child’s innate drive to learn to be independent.
“Initially they can struggle to master their emotions, hence the temper tantrums.
Self-regulation is a skill that needs to be learned over time as adults help them to cope with frustration and persist with tasks that are difficult.”Van Dyk says children aged between two and a half and four need to learn to problem-solve. Parents should ask kids what they think needs to be done in a certain situation rather than supplying all the answers for them.Learning to be independent also involves teaching children to be responsible for their own actions, van Dyk says. “If little Jimmy opens the door on the canary’s cage and the bird flies away, going out and buying another bird and pretending that the same bird just happened to fly back into the cage is not doing your child any favours. Part of growing up is learning some hard facts.”
Wellington mother-of-three Kat Chandler believes the key is providing children with as many opportunities as possible to be independent. She let her two eldest children (now aged three and 20 months) feed themselves as soon as they were able to hold a spoon, and encouraged their desire to dress themselves. “It was about me not interfering and wanting to do everything for them. Their rooms can be messy at times with clothes everywhere but it doesn’t bother me!” Her middle child, Charlotte, insists on walking down the stairs, opening the car door and trying to buckle herself into her car seat, but Chandler has learned the benefits of letting this process unfold rather than trying to interfere. “Seeing the look on her face when she accomplishes something herself is so rewarding, and in the long run it’s actually going to make my day so much easier once she can do these things easily.”
Since being interviewed for the story, Kat gave birth to baby Macklan, just two weeks before her oldest child Grace turned three, so Charlotte’s independence was a big help as Kat coped with a new baby. As a former primary school teacher, Kat can recall plenty of children who were incapable of performing simple tasks in the classroom because their parents had always done things for them. “So many mums of today are worried about the ‘perfect parenting’ thing that we do get caught up with making our kids do things correctly instead of letting them have the independence and the confidence to make mistakes,” she says. “If we were always being corrected and told we weren’t doing things right, I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t keep trying to do things either, so it’s about having that freedom to get it wrong and the opportunity to make it right – by themselves – which is much more satisfying.”
THEY SHOULD BE CAPABLE OF:
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About two years: Feeding themselves, asking for what they need (verbally and/or non-verbally), sleeping through the night.
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About three years: Simple jobs such as laying the table, putting their shoes on and lunch box away, tidying up toys.
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About four years: Dressing themselves, sharing and turn-taking, drawing simple pictures.
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About five years: Using a knife and fork, peeling fruit.
Source: Michelle van Dyk and Plunket
Article by Jo-Marie Baker