Published in the Family Times, 20 November 2012, Michelle van Dyk
“Child’s play – improving your child’s behaviour through play”
It’s Sunday night and the more organised parents among you have probably checked your diaries to see what the week ahead holds for yourself and the family. The question is, did you diary in any appointments to play with your children?
This may seem an odd question but it’s not as silly as it sounds. We all know that in today’s fast-paced society where both parents work in the majority of households, there is less free time to spend with the children. Often, your children’s free time is also taken up with weekly activities that range from gymbaroo to music groups, swimming lessons, play dates and other activities.
For some pre-schoolers, extended hours in day-care or preschools decrease the opportunities for time with mum and dad even further. So it might make sense to actually write in your diary, two or three times a week, an “appointment” for free-play with your preschooler, thereby increasing the chances that it actually occurs.
If you prioritise those appointments and stick to them, it won’t take long before they start paying dividends. Even 15 minutes every second day can have an impact on your child’s behaviour and overall development.
Attention seeking or craving attention?
Problem behaviour can occur for a variety of reasons. Have you noticed the following behaviours escalating in your young child: being prone to tantrums at the drop of a hat? Refusing to comply with the simplest requests? Interrupting repeatedly when you are on the phone or entertaining visitors? If so, check when you last spent some time with your preschooler and gave him or her your full attention. Setting up the computer or iPad for him? Sorry that doesn’t count. Buying her a fluffy at the local café while you caught up with friends? No, that doesn’t count either.
Providing total focus
That far away look in your eye that means you are distracted and not completely present – your child picks that up in a nanosecond. Then they up the ante – crying, sulking, demanding, and refusing requests. What your child is telling you is that he or she wants your full attention – the kind that tells him he’s special and that you love being with him. A little bit of positive, focused, full-on attention can go a long way, as long as it’s on a regular basis. This is the kind of attention that fills up a child’s “emotional tank” and helps them to amuse themselves without constantly needing parental input.
Child-led play
Positive discipline needs to be balanced by one-on-one attention. This is best done by joining together in fun activities and floor play time. Part of the joy of having preschoolers is being able to get down on the floor and play with them, re-enacting your childhood as you play alongside your child. The “alongside” is the important word here. That means letting your child choose what and how they want to play and adjusting yourself to their pace.
Child-led play is where the child learns that what they are doing is valuable and has meaning. They learn this because they see their parent being an attentive, involved play partner affirming what they are doing. Child-led play involves the parent following the child’s lead not setting the agenda yourself. It means commenting on or describing what your child is doing in a reflective, warm manner, not asking questions designed to teach or install concepts. “You built a really big garage for your car Max. That looks great,” rather than “What shape is that block you put on the top Max?”
Most of all – have fun.
By Michelle van Dyk, Child Psychologist